The Light Shining Through the Tree

The light was shining through the tree and for no other purpose other than it was wondrous, I captured an image to share with you.

I ask myself, what is my purpose?

Foggy. 

Think, think, think, think. 

Foggy. 

Frustrated.

THINK! What is my ... ? What was I thinking about?

Go do something to be productive.

I am productive, I am busy, now I am adding value to this world.

What was it I asked myself?

It has been this way for a long time. I kept doing what I thought people were feeding me as the "right thing". From small things like writing an email to big things like choosing a career, I have existed mostly in a state of fog. It is easier to do what you are "told" then to face yourself and ask the hard questions.

I have no job, no kids, no long to-do list to sabotage my time. I have set my life up now so that I have no more excuses to not ask myself the question... "what is my purpose?" On a large scale, the answer remains, "I don't know."  What I do know is that purpose can come in small ways and small steps. I need space and time to make mistakes, conduct trials and errors and maybe breakthroughs. In a small way, my purpose is to share these things, to stumble upon them, carry them home and show them to you.

Along the trail lay the leaf, waiting to be appreciated for the artistic talent nature has with frost.

Now What?

I have been off from work for a little over two months. I am caught up on life-stuff that had spiraled out of control while I was working and stressed. I don't have any big travel plans. My guests have all left. I feel like I have returned to the world of the living after de-stressing. So, now what?

First, I went up to the coffee shop for another mocha to help me ponder my life. I certainly have projects and personal pursuits that I can fill my time with and I would certainly get a great deal of enjoyment out of doing them, but I guess I never got to honestly ask myself the question, "What do you want to do with your life?" Always, I have been filled with a sense of responsibility and obligation but never a sense of freedom in asking myself this question. I think I am beginning to have a sense of what I want to do, like a dog who is close to picking up a scent trail. I want to be careful not to fill my time with too many "doings" that are not going to help me answer this question.

I think I am still in a learning and discovery phase. I am afraid that my time off will be up and I will still not have an answer as to what I want to do. Sometimes the days slip away so quickly and I feel like I have not produced or contributed anything and when that happens, I feel kind of purposeless and pointless. I am not complaining, I am still very grateful that I do not have to work. It has been an incredible learning process and extremely rejuvenating. I am afraid of being stuck in this fog forever, stumbling into subpar opportunities and, while I may make the best of them, they don't necessarily make the best of me.

Today I met Guy, my 25th Stranger in the 100 Strangers project.